2 Aralık 2008 Salı

ayakta isiyen kadin

erkek ve kadini kavram olarak siniflandirmamis biri olarak  benim adim a siniflandiranlarin ulkesinde yasadigimi  hatirlatan gunler icindeyim  su ara brukselden dondukten sora hizli bi sekilde turkiyenin gundemine  adapte olmaya calisirken  askerlik sorunumu halletmem gerektigi aklima geldi zaten askere gitmiycegim escinselligimi beyan edip rapor almayi dusundugum icin bu surece basladim brukselde gorusmeye basladigim ve is imkani olarak ongordugum bi kac yer istanbulda oldugu icin istanbulda askerlik subesine bas vurdum surecle ilgili korkularim uzun suredir mevcut oldugu icin bu zamana kadar bi cok deneyim okumustum  bununla birlikte bi kac kisinin  yatak iliskinisini  fotoğraflamak zorunda kaldigini da biliyodum  
askerlik kafamda emirlerin surekli  oldugu  hic kimsenin yanaginda  kil bitmedigi bi yer olarak mevcut olan askeriye, zaten silah tutan insanlara olan korkum la onyargilarim askerlik subesine gitmeden once nasi bi on hazirlia girmeli ve kafalarinda ki escinseli cizmem gerektigini gösteriyordu. yirmi yasimin sonlarina dogru geldigi su zamanlarda bile sakal trasi babasi tarafindan ogretilmedigi gibi kendi de buna ozenip yapmamis biriydim fazla kadinsi hatlarim oldugu icin hayatimin  buyuk bi kismini kiz ozan sifatiyla geciren ben bu sefer bu artiyi kullanicaktim ve hayatimda ilk kez  sakallarimi tras ettim bembeyaz suratim ortaya cikti ilginc olan topmumun erkek olma  adimini  kismen feminen olmak adina yapmistim abartili gorunmek istemiyodum ama kafalarinda ki escinseli de yaratmak adina  makyaj yapmaliydim
once goz kalemini denedim gercekten  egret durmadi  allik ve parlatici yi abarti buldum  bu yusden sadece goz kalemiyle gittim genel olarak killarimi aldigim icin killarimi da aldim ve askerlik subesine gittim. ermirler esliginde cep telefonum alindi cantam arandi. bi komutandan daha komutan olan askerlik subesinde calisan  memur kadinlar bana bi form verdiler formu doldurup  memurlardan birine verdim ve bana buraya neden geldiini yaz dedi. askere mi gitmek istiyosun hayir dedim ben hastaneye sevkimi istiyorum  gene de askere gitmek istiyorum mu yazmaliyim evet zaten biz seni istemesen de hastaneye sevk ederis belli bi sorun var dedi ve ben kismen de olsa ilk darbeyi yedim. beni ilk muaynem icin orda bulunan doktora sevk ettiler o doktor beni hastaneye sevk edicek olandi iceri girer girmes ooo escinseliz galiba  gibi bi replikle karsilastim - (ic ses) siz de mi ?  doktor - hayir bazi metroseksuel arkadaslar oluyor escinsel diyince aliniyorlar ondan sordum (ve guler)  hastaneye sevkimi alabilirmiyim
gonderildigim psikiatr beni psikolog sifatli birine sevk etti 
psikolog- sorununuz nedir?-escinselim-ne zamandan beri-on yasimdan beri bole oldugumu biliyorum-vucudunuzla barisikmisiniz sizi rahatsiz eden bi yer var mi-evet popomda ki killar sadece orasini alamiyorum-killarinizi kendiniz mi aliyorsunus-evet-alirken ne kullaniyorsunuz-epilator-agda kullanin daha saglikli fakat biraz acitir fuhus yaptiniz mi ?-fuhus derken şık bi yemek karsiliginda biriyle birlikte oldum sayet buna  fuhus derseniz yoksa hayatimi bundan kazanmiyorum-hayir toplumun anladigi fuhus yanlis anlamayin bu sorulari sormak zorundayim  isim geregi size saygi duyuyorum- ozel bi soru sorabiirmiyim -tabi- isiniz geregi mi saygi duymak zorundasiniz(uzun suren sinir bozucu bi sessizlik halinden sora)-hayir ben kisilik olarak da size saygi duyuyorum bu kadar dusunmemin sebebi de bu soruyu hic kendime sormamis olmamdir ama gunluk hayatta aktif olarak karsilassam ne olur bilemiyorum bunun cevabini veremiyorum
 su an bi iliskiniz var mi - yok - iliskilerinis var mi - evet tek gecelik iliskilerim  cok fazla  gorusutugm insan var  duzenli olarak- hic kadin ic camasiri giydiniz mi -  benim camasirlarim renkli dir siz buna kadin ic camasiri diyebilirsiniz ama camasirim olmadiginda kiz kardesimin camasirlarini da giydigim olmustur - simdi size bi test vericem 500 kusur soruluk bunu cevaplamaniz bi saatinizi alir testi cozup bana getirin , disari cikip 566 onermeli  ve bu onermelere dogru yada yanlis diye cevap verdigim testi yaptim test ayni onermelerin form degistirerek  tekrarlanmasindan olusuyodu allah beni i gorev icin dunyaya getirdi hirsizlik yapmayi dusunebilirim birinin beni takip ettigine eminim  masturbasyon yaparken karsi cinsi dusunuyorm  gibi  onermelerden olusuyodu testin sonucunu goturdum  bu arada ailemin durumu bildigini  kaos gl dergisinde cikan roportajimi da  bu psikologa delil olarak sundum hastaneden ciktigim da taksime gittim butun insanlar bana bakiyodu  bi kahve aldim  ardindan bi salata yedim ve  butun garsonlar  tuvalette sira bekledigim adam bile beni kadin olarak gordu ve yanlis yerdesinis burasi erkekler tuvaleti dedi  yada tabaginizi alabilirmiim hanimefendi  ?! yani buna sevinmeli miyim bilmiyorum toplumun yada benim hoslandigim insan grubunun disinda bi yerlerde olarak  kendi basim abisiyler yapmaya calisiyorum ve basardigimi sandigim seyin aslinda beni olmak istediklerim yada sahip olmaya calistiklaridan uzaklastirdigini hissediyorum

bu sureci bu kadar uzun  ve sikintili yazmamin sebebi sadece bu donemi unutmak istememdendir aslinda kimsenin benim yasadigim bu sureci bilmesi gibi bi arzu tasimiyorum yada sirf bunun   tuhaf olmasindan diildir eskisi kadar sorgulama yogunlugu yada kafalarin gundemine oturan yazilar umarim yoldadirlar 

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